Forgiveness, and Self-Worth

It's National Forgiveness Day today. It's ok if you didn't know that, I forgive you.

Anyway, it made me think about the act of forgiving and being forgiven.

Do you ever say you are sorry just so someone can say it back? I have, and it doesn't feel the same when that person apologizes immediately after.

Sometimes we count on others for our self-worth. Whether it's by receiving compliments, being told "You are right", or being apologized to. It seems like such an egotistical thing, but it is so engrained in our being.

I want to start being more selfless. Letting go of the ego. I don't want to want to hear how I was right about an argument, or fish for compliments. If these things do happen, it should just be the sugar on top.

It's hard letting go of the ego. Time to be in the moment.

"Me" Time

A good friend of mine just recently went through a bad break-up (they were practically married, well they were in spirit, but not legally, long story).

Anyway, now she's feeling the loss of not having a family and is considering having a baby. So I told her it really is an amazing thing. My only doubt with it, is she is at such a pivotal moment in her life. She is just coming out of a heavy depression. She's changed so much already to become more healthy mentally and physically. What I told her about having a baby is your "me" time diminishes greatly.

She asked me what I meant by "me" time and for some reason, maybe because I haven't been sleeping so great due to my sonshine - I could only say "um, you know, like having your hair look nice when you leave the house..."

Anyway, I can't believe the following didn't spill out of my mouth. These are the things I either have to do with an eye on the baby or have someone watch him:

1. Using the restroom
2. Taking a shower
3. Brushing my teeth
4. Painting my nails
5. Putting my make up on
6. Going to get my hair done
7. Going to the gym/exercising 
8. Going out for a drink
9. Spa day
10. Nap whenever I want to
11. Running errands on a whim (I have to consider if he's napped yet, or what his feeding schedule is like)
12. Long road trips

I can probably say more, but these little things - and I know a lot of them are literally 'cosmetic', but these things I miss taking my time on. Don't get me wrong, my amazing husband helps me out so much, but my point is, from now on, everything I do needs to take consideration for my lil ray of sonshine and who can help or how do I get him into the same room with me while I do it.

Lastly, I did tell her I wouldn't take it back for anything in the world and there's definitely the trade off and I would be supportive of whatever she decides.

The days immediately following one of the biggest days of your life

Post-partum depression. I'd heard the term before. I remember thinking "why would someone be sad when they just had a baby?". "Brooke Shields was probably just bummed she wasn't on her own anymore and had to take care of someone else. How selfish."

I couldn't have been more wrong. I recently read this post by Allie Brosh re: her depression. This chick is hilarious, although it seems weird to talk about her hilarity and depression at the same time. The part that stuck out to me the most was where she's drinking juice and her eyes are welling up with tears.

This happened with me and sushi. Now, you might think they were tears of joy because I missed the sushi so much. But I started downright crying right in the middle of dinner. My husband couldn't understand what I was going through.

It always happened at night. During the day, it was rays of sunshine and happiness with my new little baby boy. "I got this!" I would say. Then come 5pm and I'm thinking "Oh shit, I've made a terrible mistake" (having a child).

Now, the mistake wasn't having him, it was more of "what type of world did I bring him into??". Watching America's Most Wanted or even just the news propelled this fear even further.

I wasn't prepared to love someone this much. I knew love. I love my husband dearly. He's my best friend and my other half, my soul mate. But he can take care of himself too, he's a grown man.

My thoughts changed after baby. All of a sudden my son and he were to be protected from everything. I didn't want my husband losing any sleep. I felt bad if he had to go back to work. I felt terrible if he had to put the dishes away. I should be doing that! I should wake up in the morning and make him breakfast! I will stay up with the baby all night!

Anyway, things have changed now. I've stopped trying to do everything at once I do one or two things a night. Dishes and dinner tonight. Laundry and tidy up another. The house is still a mess. Although, I can say I'm happier now that I've stopped trying to be the "hero". It's ok if the clean clothes lay around on the couch for a week. It's ok if we get food delivered.

All I can do is be the best me and love my husband and son. I've come to accept the fact that I can't protect them from everything (you should have seen the look I gave his dr when he gave him his immunizations.) I can't stop him from crying if he's going to cry. I can only offer comfort and my undying love and support. I can just be me and know that they love and accept that.

Family trip to LA

This past weekend we went up north to LA from San Diego to visit my family. They've only seen my son a couple times so this was a real treat for all of us.

But of course, we chose the hottest weekend so far of the year to go. 100 degress in Chatsworth! We were going to stay at my grandma's but decided we needed a mega air conditioner to deal, so we stayed at a hotel.

My grandma, brother (and his 8 month old son), and sister showed up and we had pizza. It was fun seeing the babies interact with each other, and to see the joy on my family's face.

Here are some pics from the trip. The one in plaid shorts is my son, he's here with his cousin and great grandma:

Cara Box Reveal: Go Green

This month I joined the Cara Box Exchange. Women with different blogs are partnered with 2 other women and you get together a box of goodies that go with a theme and send it off to them. It's a great way to meet women, get your blog read, AND get fun stuff in the mail!

Here's my reveal:

My partners were Amy @ Taking Steps Home and Leah @ Life as a Payne.

What I sent Leah:

My mom-in-law and I partnered up and created a homemade Chevron shopping bag and 3 handkerchiefs for her 3 dogs.


Inside view of bag 

Also not pictured was organic mac n cheese because her favorite foods are "starch" :)

What I got from Amy:

She sent me some seeds for "new beginnings", a pretty candleholder, some sketch books and pencils to practice drawing, some coffee, and a room freshener.

This was really fun! I can't wait for the next one! To join click below:

"Family" vs. "Relatives"

So this is sort of a vent. The nice thing about this blog right now is my loved ones don't really know about it so it's like a place I can say things without worrying about people reading it and judging or getting hurt over anything I say. Not that I have hurtful thoughts towards anyone.. Anyway I'm ranting and this is supposed to be venting.

I gave birth to my son on September 22nd 2012. My mom and grandma came down that night before he was born and stayed with me for a few days. My sister came down once on November 17th. That was the last time I've seen her.

I would randomly send her and my mom pics and videos of my son. They'd always respond and be like "how cute!" and whatnot. My mom calls me almost every Sunday just to see how things are going.

Now, I've never really been the type that felt the need to chat all the time to "stay in touch" with people. But I'm pretty hurt that my sister never calls to see how her nephew is doing. I am not sure her husband likes me, because there was once a misunderstanding of them coming down to visit and me wanting to postpone and them getting upset over it. (Long story, maybe I'll post about it later).

So cut to a couple months ago, I drive up to Los Angeles every other week, and for awhile I'd stay there for 2 days to work. Usually I stay at my moms house but this time I wanted a change of scenery.

I text my sister to see if I could stay there and the excuse she gives me is that their apartment is too small and the bathroom is an issue in the morning because they both get ready to go to work at the same time.

Is it just me or is that a lame excuse? I could've just gotten up earlier than them to get ready, or even later - do they not trust me to stay at their place while they aren't there? I feel like even offering to have me stop by for a little would have been another option on her behalf but she didn't even care I was going up there.

Anyway, I just responded "OK". The next text I got from her was a work question. Then nothing for a while. I sent her a card for her birthday in March. She said thanks in text. Still nothing from her asking how her nephew is.

Now we are going up there in May and I asked if her and her hubby can stop by and say hello. She said she'd be there but automatically didn't think he could make it because he "works late and might not want to do the family thing".

To sum it all up, I now understand the concept of "family" and "relatives". Relatives are people who are born in your kin. Family are the people around you that show you support and genuinely want to know that you are doing well. And just as a side note, I had texted her at one point to see how she was doing, and she said they were doing well but I didn't get a "how are you?" back.

End vent.

Cara Box Exchange

Just signed up for this. It's a network of bloggers who send a box out of 5 items that go to a theme. Pretty awesome! The person I'm paired up this time can be found here: http://lifeasapayne11.blogspot.com/

So now I have to get to know her through her blog and put together a little gift box :)

I probably should include my Gift exchange sender as well!!! http://www.takingstepshome.com/