Post-partum depression. I'd heard the term before. I remember thinking "why would someone be sad when they just had a baby?". "Brooke Shields was probably just bummed she wasn't on her own anymore and had to take care of someone else. How selfish."
I couldn't have been more wrong. I recently read this post by Allie Brosh re: her depression. This chick is hilarious, although it seems weird to talk about her hilarity and depression at the same time. The part that stuck out to me the most was where she's drinking juice and her eyes are welling up with tears.
This happened with me and sushi. Now, you might think they were tears of joy because I missed the sushi so much. But I started downright crying right in the middle of dinner. My husband couldn't understand what I was going through.
It always happened at night. During the day, it was rays of sunshine and happiness with my new little baby boy. "I got this!" I would say. Then come 5pm and I'm thinking "Oh shit, I've made a terrible mistake" (having a child).
Now, the mistake wasn't having him, it was more of "what type of world did I bring him into??". Watching America's Most Wanted or even just the news propelled this fear even further.
I wasn't prepared to love someone this much. I knew love. I love my husband dearly. He's my best friend and my other half, my soul mate. But he can take care of himself too, he's a grown man.
My thoughts changed after baby. All of a sudden my son and he were to be protected from everything. I didn't want my husband losing any sleep. I felt bad if he had to go back to work. I felt terrible if he had to put the dishes away. I should be doing that! I should wake up in the morning and make him breakfast! I will stay up with the baby all night!
Anyway, things have changed now. I've stopped trying to do everything at once I do one or two things a night. Dishes and dinner tonight. Laundry and tidy up another. The house is still a mess. Although, I can say I'm happier now that I've stopped trying to be the "hero". It's ok if the clean clothes lay around on the couch for a week. It's ok if we get food delivered.
All I can do is be the best me and love my husband and son. I've come to accept the fact that I can't protect them from everything (you should have seen the look I gave his dr when he gave him his immunizations.) I can't stop him from crying if he's going to cry. I can only offer comfort and my undying love and support. I can just be me and know that they love and accept that.
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