You're doing it wrong...

They're not dog slippers, they're bears.

He prefers to be swayed rather than rocked.

No, pat him at this speed, with this pressure.

The bottle must be held it at a 45 degree angle, if it's too high he drinks it too fast, too low and he sucks air.

No, just give him 2 ounces.

He's not hungry yet.

Just burp him.

He just wants to be entertained.



I wonder how annoyed my husband is...

She said, so he said...

Wife: Honey, I think you should consider AA.

Husband: I think you should consider Weight Watchers.

Touché

Things I say now that I'm a parent

1. Did he poop?
2. This blanket makes too much noise.
3. No poop.
4. I'm off beans for now, but thanks.
5. I'm exhausted.
6. Who farted?
7. Is it organic?
8. Crap, I didn't bring a pacifier.
9.  (Puts baby to bed) Adult time! (Falls asleep)
10. (Baby asleep in other room) I miss my baby.

Hey, baby.

Things I wish I could tell baby:

1. Waking up at 5am and staying up til 7am is just not cute.
2. Please adhere to quiet time during episodes of Downtown Abbey.
3. Is it ok if mommy finishes her dinner first?
4. Can you wait for me to finish using the bathroom before you wake up again?
5. Do you mind carrying my purse while I carry you, the diaper bag, and the day's tools and necessities to the car?
6. The car seat is meant for your safety. Deal with it.
7. Mommy putting the volume up in the car while you cry means quiet time. 
8. Bibs are meant for catching the spit up. Try to target that area.
9. I don't mind if you lovingly brush my hair but it is not meant to test your grip.
10. I love you more than anything and wouldn't change a thing.